Past, Present, Future

Lord I realize my sense of awareness of the present is weak/

Maybe it’s because I’m more perceptive to the past/

It’s easier for me to reflect on what happened last week/

As opposed to the present event that recently passed/

Besides my self-diagnosed dyslexia, maybe that’s why I daydream in the car/

Reach a destination and have no idea how I got there/

Then someone asks, How did you get where you are?/

And all I remember is sitting down and I stare/

Looking through the window but seeing time pass by/

Instead of streets, aves, and signs, it’s past events and mentions/

Instead of lefts, rights, and exits, it’s would’ve, could’ve and why/

It’s reflection and introspection instead of direction and map legends/

If it’s not the past, then I’m in the future tense/

Instead of point A to point B, it’s point May to Be/

Peeking over the chronologically present picketed fence/

Until the may-be’s turn into definite A’s and B’s/

The present is now, past is then, future is if, possibly when/

Lord help me to live now, between the when and then/

Help me to love you regardless of the future: when’s and if’s/

Help to believe and trust you as ‘if’…’when’ didn’t exist/

Help me to retain hope as only if and when can solely permit/

Help me to believe my past, present, and future are within your grip/

Your Son

Change

Change: I’m ready for it
Pain: I’m dreading it
Same: A deadly pit
Aim: Setting it

Change: Letting it
Pain: Forgetting it
Same: Deading it
Aim: Spreading it

Lord, I’m ready for change. I’m tired of being in the same rut. That one thing that is preventing me from fully surrendering to you.

So is it always going to be like this? When I’m in the process of changing and taking steps closer to you, is my past going to continue to tap me on my shoulder, wait for me to turn around and then smack me in the face? Well, that’s how I feel right now. I know that you’ve taken care of those things that I’ve asked you to forgive, so help me to live like it.

This latest situation is hard, God. It’s so freaking difficult. I have no other way of describing

The Enemy of “Best”

Lord, I just finished a layout design for a newsletter and I feel very accomplished. I spent hourrrrrs working on it, and all that time paid off. You’ve given me a creative streak for stuff like that, not to mention poetry, and this year I want to take it to the next level. I feel that you’re going to hold me more accountable this year for the gifts you’ve given me than you have in the past.

Give me the will to become like of the lyrical greats! Artists Lecrae, Da T.RU.T.H., R-Swift, Young Josh, Sho Baraka, etc. are amazing. But is it wrong to ask for a lyrical flow like Eminem? Secular though he may be, his flow is ridiculously poetic and packed with double entendre’d, alliterated, consonanced, off-the-wall innovative narratives. I want that!

At the end of the day, I know I must be satisfied with what you’ve given me, but help me not to stay complacent. I believe there’s always room for growth..please help me live that. You, God, are the epitome of innovation and creativity. Expand my graphic design, poetic, rhetoric, prose, teaching, and marketing skills–all for your glory.

I don’t just want to be good, Lord. I don’t want to settle for satisfactory. I want to be amazing in what you’ve given me to do; so amazing that people ask me how on earth I can accomplish things I think of and I’m able to respond, “It’s not on earth at all!” Help me to prioritize effeciently and begin to become more disciplined at my crafts. I don’t want to let you down.

Your son.

Awake

God, I can’t go back to sleep for some reason. I really want to! I don’t have class until this afternoon and a few extra hours of rest would do me some good. So, how about it? Can you just thump your divine finger on my forehead..or even your whole hand? Make a fist if you have to!

I partly feel it’s for a reason..nor sure yet. Trust me, God, I’m not trying to overthink on this one. I just want Zzzz..

Well if it is for a reason, enlighten me please. It’s been a while since I’ve written on this thing and part of me asks, For what? My busiest day of traffic was like 8 people..woohoo. Ok, yeah, quality not quantity..alright.

Thank you, Lord, for waking me up. I guess I can start there. Forgive me for my whining and complaining..some are mourning loved ones right now in their beds who are getting the extra hours that I begged for. Thanks for life. Let this day be a productive one for me, please. I’ve been a slacker lately. You’re an innovative productive God, so help me to emulate that today. Love You..help me to show it.

Your son.

Removing the Earplugs

Heavenly Father, it seems like I’m doing most of the talking so far, which can cause me or others reading this to believe that I’m not listening to anything You have to say. And since I am, then it means that I’m not posting the things that I believe You’re communicating. Help this blog to remain authentic, and be a dialogue. Right now this is just showing me sharing what I have to say to You with earplugs in my ears. Allow me to take out the plugs and to start posting Your side of this ongoing conversation.

“Promise and Proposition” Message

Lord, thanks for allowing the Holy Spirit to work not only in my homiletic delivery this weekend, but also in my preparation! When it was finished I truly saw the reactions of Your people and the decisions they did and will make in the future. After I was finished greeting and talking with some people I had the thought, “Maybe you went too long, Chris.” And technically I did, because I told the first elder I was only going to be 30 minutes! And not only that, but I had a manuscript which was designed for 30 minutes!! And I went about 20min over what was written–what did I have to say for those 20min? Man, twenty minutes is a long time to be talking extra…

I asked a friend how I did, and she said it was good. I brought up the length issue and she said I was repeating myself quite often. Hmm…that made me think, and then I replied: “Well there are four different types of audiences, and I more than likely was trying to break it down to each type.” That sounded very rational, but later I thought, Did I really do it for that purpose? Or was I just finding an excuse to vindicate myself subconsciously repeating myself for 20min?

I was about to criticize myself harshly, until later that evening, and just now as I type, I came across a few factors. The first one was a guy on YouTube (Evor Myers) who was talking about entertainment and made the comparison to people who can sit and watch television for hours but when a sermon goes past a certain time period (usually 30min), they get edgy, impatient, and even sleepy. That comment made me lessen the self-chastisement for preaching almost an hour. The other factor was that a certain older gentleman called me over to talk to him after I was done preaching and began to tell me that he believes I was called to be a teacher. His reasoning? The logical progression he discerned in how the message was presented and then him observing that I reiterate certain points until I’ve assessed that all of the congregation is on the same page before I move on to the next point.

Teacher indeed. He was right, for that’s exactly what I’m studying to be. It’s great, Lord, to see when you’ve sent other people to me to confirm the calling I believe you’ve given me. It’s an awesome experience! Now, Lord, I really want to stick to the manuscript style and even memorize the words I’ve written, so I’ll be disciplined in only speaking what needs to be spoken. Sometimes, the little side nuggets aren’t worth saying, unless the Holy Spirit really impresses me to do so. I want to be more disciplined! I think I take for granted that you have given the gift of speaking/writing and can hold a congregation “hostage” knowing they wouldn’t have a problem with me going for 20 extra minutes because the dynamics with which you’ve blessed me to present your Word. So, no more of that! I want to be able to exercise discipline, even if my preaching wouldn’t weary the hearers.

Discipline...

It’s also interesting that You’ve brought to my attention I don’t do the same time extensions when I conduct seminars/workshops, or presentations in other venues outside of the church setting. What does that mean? That I deem others’ time more valuable outside the church setting? Or I’m less disciplined when preaching versus presenting? Hm…God I think it’s that I take for granted the fact that time limits aren’t stringent for most of the congregations I’ve been in and I treat workshops differently from homilies (sermons). But aren’t they different?! And should I not be able to take more time with explaining your Word? Should there be a time limit?! I believe there should be, and You know that I plan for one. But sometimes I go over the limit I set. I don’t bring the “just let the Spirit move” ideology when it comes to preaching, for did He not move when I was preparing? And letting the Spirit move doesn’t necessarily have to mean going longer than intended. It could mean going shorter!

Heavenly Father, thanks for allowing Your Spirit to use me this weekend. And I also ask that You help those who were listening to the message to begin or continue to draw closer to You through prayer, studying your Word, and loving others. Give me the discipline to say only what needs to be said. Thanks for your love and kindness towards us. Help me to become more like you.

RE: I was Tested Hard Yesterday!! Harrrd!!!

Chris, this “test” was more than just about you understanding a lesson on humility and patience. You remember writing about your carpet and as if it was actually yours? Now, I know you got passionate and produced a sense of ownership of your work, but in the midst of you getting passionate about making sure the carpet was cleaned and getting frustrated when people were soiling your work, you forgot that the carpet is NOT yours! It was entrusted to you to be taken care of by your supervisor. Understand that the work you’ve been given to do in your life from Me, your Supervisor, is not going to be completed easily. If that were the case, you would have no opportunity to mature in character (Romans. 5:1-5). So, son, as soon as the Adversary sees your bright neon yellow signs up, indicating that you’re at work for me, it is his invitation to start sending in people to deter you from your job. But remember, the carpet isn’t yours. After you’ve done the best you can, and even when you’re done with your job and it doesn’t even look like you’ve done anything….just remember, I’m in charge and I’ve been watching how you’ve dealt with My carpet while I was gone. You continue to do your part with humility and patience (the lessons that you said you brought out from this situation) and I will continue to do Mine.

I was Tested Hard Yesterday!! Harrrd!!!

This isn't me, but this is how I felt!

God, I understand that you’re in the life-changing process and all, but sometimes I feel as if certain situations aren’t necessary! Ok, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest I want to backtrack and say that I remember your promise stating ‘All things work together for good to those who love You and are called according to Your purpose” (Romans 8:28), so forgive me for starting like that–I forgot who I was talking to for a quick second….So Lord, did you see what happened yesterday while I was working!? Of course you did!!! You saw this from before I even took this job! I still get riled up about it a little bit.

So my supervisor, Hakiza, great guy, teaches me how to extract carpets. While he’s teaching me how to hook up the machine and how to systematically clean, no students pass by. [For those reading, one of my jobs is in Custodial Services at a certain university in a certain building, and I certainly don't want to call out any certain names]. When he’s done he hands me the extracting wand to continue cleaning this carpet that’s located in a stairwell that’s been soiled from all of the rock salt and shoe prints from the winter season, and as sooooooon as I start to clean, people start coming out of no where, God…no where!! Ok, so they came from the parking lots and classrooms, but You know what I mean.

::Sigh::

Now, Lord, this is what I don’t understand: Before my supervisor started his demonstration, I got those bright neon yellow signs that said CAUTION: WET FLOOR and put them in strategic areas so people would know to be careful. When I picked up where he left off, Hakiza replaced those signs with the ones that said CLOSED!!!! THEY SAID CLOOOOSSSSSEDUH!!! So I begin to clean and people literally come into this stairwell by walking around these bright, luminous, glaring, neon yellow signs and proceed to walk unto my carpet and say “Sorry”. Some don’t even say that much! I don’t exist to most them as they brush and dodge past me to get their classes that’s supposed to enhance their intellect on how to preach, pastor, make disciples, administer, teach, etc. in this certain building!

God, you know I was livid and I think it was more so because of the ones who didn’t apologize, who didn’t try to take huge steps to minimize their prints on my carpet, and who physically moved the closed signs out of the way and did NOT put them back after they resoiled MY carpet!! And then the straw that broke the camel’s back: A large, hefty, scholarly looking male, coming from outside, moves my CLOSED sign to plant his two heavy feet on my carpet and then look my square in the eye, not reciprocating the smile I force over my frustrated visage, and then my sign tips over and claps loudly on the floor behind him as he moves along to the class he’s late for. Yes, God, you saw how I was. I had to stop for a while, stare into the blank wall across from me as the mammoth extracting machine breathed heavily in the background censoring all of the mental curses that escaped my mind.

Are people so into themselves that they can’t even see a sign anymore, Lord? What’s up with that? Are they so much in a rush that thick black writing on a yellow background (which is supposed to be more readable that black on white) doesn’t grab their attention? Or is it that they simply just don’t care?

Lessons learned...

I must say, I did learn a lesson or two from yesterday. And one of them is your age-old (and present) test of humility. I’ve come to realize their are many levels of being humble–meaning there is always room for more humility. And that makes sense, but You are infinite, and humility is a quality that originates with you, thus humility must be infinite too. And if it isn’t it at least climaxes with what your Son, Jesus, did for us–putting his divine robe on the shelf and taking up a dusty human cloak and then dying for us in order to give us another chance at eternal life..awesome. But even if that’s the climax, none of us can reach such an apex, so for us humility is an eternal attribute for us to develop! I think.

Anyway, thanks for the test Lord. Once again, I found what my threshold of patience is and I need to work on it. I must say, I did save face pretty well though, because some of those people that passed me as they soiled the carpet I was cleaning had some really inexcusable attitudes–and I didn’t even do anything! But thanks for showing me, once again, what I need to work on. And I finally know how to extract carpets! Woo!!

A lot on my plate

Heavenly Father…I have A LOT of things on my plate!! Sometimes I wonder how I got myself into the buffet line of responsibility and packed all types of stuff onto my small plate of ability! But here’s the deal: did you give me a large enough plate? Can I really handle all of these responsibilities and tasks? How about this: was it even me who got up and started piling up “food” on my plate, or did a very generous Waiter come and order my food for me? Well, I think it’s both. I think I added some stuff, but on the flip side I also believe that the Holy Spirit came with His menu and and started to pick out some of these dishes too. I mean..really?! I feel overwhelmed at times. Have you really given me the capability to do all this? Did I take on more than I can chew? I’m not too sure. Ok, so far, I’m treading above water, but should I even be treading? I thought it would be more like doing laps like an olympian.

Lord, please help me not to overwork myself, but also not to “underwork” either. If I need to drop some things, give me the wisdom to know which things I need to drop–and preferably the ones that don’t bring in any income! Now, that’s another story, God. Give me wisdom, please.

What took me so long?

Okay, Heavenly Father, so I was inspired to start a blog after looking at one of my professor’s (Ante Jeroncic) and I was amazed at what he did to it. It was more than just his thoughts, but it was also ministry tool. I thought it was soooo cool! So I decided to start mine–back in February. Yeah, I know, You don’t really see much, right? It’s because I was trying to figure out what my blog should be about. I read some tips and suggestions, and it said to be very specific on the topic and intent of one’s blog and so I thought..and I thought…and thought..hmm, what should it be about? Poetry? An inspirational site? Just my random thoughts? So, God, you watched me think and I was thinking hard! 5 months later I hear you say, “Just start..you can adjust it as you go along.”  I think you were trying to tell me this from since February!! So this is what I’ll do: I’ll continue to post blogs like this one and the poem I did in February, but they’ll all be towards you, and then others can get a glimpse of our relationship.

I realized something, Lord…I tend to overthink things. And often times it has caused me to be so incessantly introspective that Isit and do nothing–I just think. Then I eventually start thinking about the fact that I’m just thinking. What a mess. So Lord, I’ll just start, and let’s see where it leads me. ::Sigh:: Finally, I my first post in a long time.

And Lord, please help me to write for you and not others, or it’ll defeat the purpose of them seeing how we genuinely interact.